Hoping to prevent any needless arguing over our vast estate, my wife and I recently had new wills drawn up.
We hope to live a long time, but I must admit that the barrage of news reports about the flu and the coronavirus and their preference for “the elderly and those with underlying health issues” has me feeling a bit like an elderly man with a target on his back.
As part of the estate planning process, our attorney gave us each a booklet called My Wishes. While not legally binding, it allows one to put in writing one’s desires when it comes to funeral planning and such. Assuming your family members don’t double-cross you, this allows you the peace of mind of knowing that “Wind Beneath My Wings” will not be sung at your service.
As I was going through the questions in the booklet, I decided there is a huge difference between my best-case-scenario wishes and what is possible. So just for the fun of it (What’s the point of dying if you can’t have a little fun with it?), I decided to complete two sets of instructions.
The “real” instructions will be saved for later, after I’ve given my loved ones the chance to peruse my “true desires” booklet.
It starts with a section on organ donation. Those wishing to be a donor can select between “all useful parts of my body” and “Only my _______.” I’m going to check “only my _________” and write in “nose hair, appendix scar and left pinky toe.”
Where it says “Please notify the following persons of my death,” I’m going to go with Jennifer Aniston. I don’t want the poor thing waiting around any longer. She needs to move on.
There’s a space to list obituary information such as date of birth, parents’ names, etc. Next to “My children,” I’m going to write “a major disappointment.”
When it comes to the disposal of one’s remains, the choices include embalmed followed by burial, embalmed followed by cremation (seems like a waste of good embalming fluid) or immediately cremated. I’m writing in my personal choice, mummification.
Being a mummy, I won’t need a casket or urn. I’ll need a sarcophagus, preferably bejeweled, though I’ll settle for BeDazzled. And, of course, a pyramid/burial chamber. Nothing too ostentatious, maybe a nice Italian marble.
I want to be preserved wearing a rainbow wig, my Pillsbury Doughboy T-shirt, a red mini skirt and hip waders. That should make for some puzzling X-rays a thousand years from now when some archaeologist discovers my pyramid.
As for services, I’m thinking 30 days of worldwide mourning, followed by a public memorial service, followed by a family-only pyramid-side service.
At the public service, I’d like a memorial/merch table displaying my record albums (5 for a dollar), my CDs (2 for a dollar), my cassette tapes (free) and all photos of me where the flash caught me blinking so I look like a drugged-out doofus.
Here’s a summary of the rest of my best-case-scenario wishes.
Service to be conducted by: John Williams … or David Bowden if John is busy.
Music to be provided by: Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones or Bonnie Raitt, depending on price and availability.
Any special poems:
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.
Up Jack got, and home did trot,
As fast as he could caper,
He went to bed to mend his head,
With vinegar and brown paper.
That one gets me every time.
Any special songs:
John Lennon’s “Imagine,” but it must be performed by a bagpipe/accordion/banjo trio.
Other instructions: Everybody dance now!
Memorials should be made to: Amazon. Jeff Bezos will eventually get all the money in the world anyway.
Preferred pallbearers: Jennifer Aniston, Helen Mirren, Jennifer Garner, Meryl Streep, Amy Adams and Jennifer Lawrence. They can use a dolly since a sarcophagus weighs a ton.
Grave marker: Being a humble man I want only a simple brass plaque above the entrance to my pyramid, reading, “$@#& the bed, Fred, Doug’s DEAD!”
Doug Showalter is a former special publications editor at The Republic. He can be reached at [email protected].
