Dear Amy: After 10 years of therapy and antidepressants for PTSD from childhood sexual abuse, my wife of 20 years has decided that she can no longer tolerate sex or sexual activity, including kissing. All she wants is to hug and hold hands.
Amy, we are only in our 50s. I am far too young to no longer have any sexual activity.
I have supported her through all her therapy, but I also want her to support my needs and desires, also.
I want to also have a wife, not just an affectionate roommate.
My own therapist thinks that my wife should try harder on my behalf.
What should I do?
— Desperate Husband
Dear Desperate: Your therapist is most likely going to support your goals; your wife’s therapist will naturally encourage and support her goals.
Because you are both so open to receiving therapy, you should consider committing to joint counseling; that way, at least you will both be coached through a conversation about this very important topic.
Esther Perel is a therapist specializing in working with couples. Her TED talks and podcast offer fascinating insight into relationship dynamics. Her book: “Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence” (Harper Paperbacks, 2017) will offer ideas for how you and your wife could try to relate differently.
Dear Amy: I usually host the holiday dinners, and every year I listen to my husband complain about my brother’s eating habits. No matter what the entree, my brother uses ketchup and puts it on most things on his plate.
It is not something I would do, but my husband is offended and outraged. His position is that it’s an insult to me — and the time, energy and expense involved to make a meal.
I’m not offended. I think it’s odd, but it really doesn’t affect me.
This year, my husband chose to make remarks loud enough for my brother to hear but not directly to him.
I was furious and after everyone left I told him I thought his behavior was rude and completely disrespectful to both me and my brother.
Needless to say, he does not agree. How do I navigate this minefield at the next holiday dinner?
— Holiday Stressed
Dear Stressed: You could offer a simple solution to your husband: If he will prepare and serve the holiday meal, then he will have earned the right to feel offended if your brother smothers the food in ketchup.
Your husband does not have the right to be rude and claim that it is on your behalf.
A most gracious host accepts people as they are, annoying quirks and all.
Dear Amy: Responding to “Unsure Grandparents,” about giving gifts to step-grandchildren, I was the step-grandchild who spent 10 Christmases watching my cousins open the latest clothing, toys and electronics, gifted by our “grandparents,” while my sister and I were given a sweatshirt and pants that were obviously from discount stores.
If these grandparents can’t or don’t wish to treat these two children the same, then they should find other ways to dote on their son’s child that won’t rub the sibling’s face in it.
— Been There
Dear Been There: Wise. Thank you.
