‘Twas the night before Christmas,
And all over the dial,
Holiday favorites were airing,
Before being put away for a long, long while.
"Reunited for Christmas" (8 p.m., Hallmark, TV-G)
And "A Christmas in Tennessee" (8 p.m., Lifetime, TV-PG)
Are as cloying, contrived and insipid
As anything we’ve ever seen.
And their networks have aired little else
Since well before Halloween.
There are all kinds of Christmas movies,
Not all of them great,
But Ben Affleck’s "Surviving Christmas" (8 p.m., HBO)
Is just so easy to hate.
Since 2003, "Elf" (8:30 p.m., AMC, TV-PG) has kept us under its spell.
Could it be the presence of a pre-"New Girl" Zooey Deschanel?
A generation’s been enchanted by "Beauty and the Beast" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG), I know.
Can I be forgiven for preferring the 1946 French version,
Directed by Jean Cocteau?
In "A Christmas Story" (8 p.m. Monday to 8 p.m. Tuesday, TBS; 9 p.m. Monday to 9 p.m. Tuesday, TNT) marathon,
Ralphie gets his Red Ryder
As we all fervently hope.
But first, he gets his mouth
Washed out with soap.
Jimmy Stewart eventually discovers "It’s a Wonderful Life" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-G)
When you have the future star of "The Donna Reed Show"
Playing your wife.
Three different versions of "Scrooged" (8 p.m. and 9:43 p.m., Starz Encore) and "A Christmas Carol" (10 p.m., TCM; 6:50 p.m. to 4 a.m., FXM)
Prove that our love for Dickens’ miser will never dim
And he’s played by Bill Murray, Reginald Owen and Alastair Sim!
Christmas isn’t easy to reconcile
With reality TV
On "MasterChef Junior: Celebrity Showdown" (8 p.m., Fox, r, TV-PG),
Young amateurs cook for the famous
(And they do it for free!)
A dose of "The Wizard of Oz" (6:45 p.m., TNT)
May be the cure for the holiday blues
Judy Garland drops a house on a witch
And makes off with her shoes!
If to hear songs sacred and devotional
You do aspire
You might check out "Christmas With the Mormon Tabernacle Choir" (9 p.m., PBS, TV-PG, check local listings).
Forgive me that while anticipating
The big holiday
I’ve tortured more rhymes than
Guantanamo Bay.
It’s just not every day a TV critic gets to rhyme, rant and rave.
And cause Clement Clarke Moore to roll over in his grave.
So here’s to Christmas Eve television,
And a night of pleasant dreaming
Instead of 3 a.m. musings about
Netflix stuff you ought to be streaming!
TONIGHT’S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS
— Acorn begins streaming the 12th season of "Murdoch Mysteries."
— The BritBox streaming service debuts "Click & Collect," a holiday comedy special starring Stephen Merchant ("The Office").
— Starting at noon, BBC America is airing episodes of "Doctor Who" (TV-PG) and nothing else for the rest of 2018, culminating in a "Who Year’s Day" special.
— Beginning at 10 a.m., AXS kicks off a two-day marathon of holiday concerts from classic rock favorites, including Heart (10 a.m.), Rod Stewart (6:15 p.m.) and The Beach Boys (8:30 p.m.).
— An advertising executive (Tim Allen) steps into the big man’s boots in the comedy fantasy "The Santa Clause" (8:55 p.m., Freeform, TV-PG). There was a brief moment in 1994 when this movie was No. 1 at the box office, Allen’s "Home Improvement" was the most-watched TV show and his book, "Don’t Stand Too Close to a Naked Man," was No. 1 on The New York Times best-seller list. The next year, Allen lent his voice to a movie produced in a new digital method, something called "Toy Story."
— Miles reverse engineers his mystery missives on "God Friended Me" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-PG).
CULT CHOICE
A proud researcher (Katharine Hepburn) resents a computer expert (Spencer Tracy) in the 1957 romantic comedy "Desk Set" (3:45 a.m. early Tuesday, TCM), featuring a great tipsy Christmas office party of the mid-century "Mad Men" era.
SERIES NOTES
On two episodes of "The Neighborhood" (CBS, r, TV-PG), Dave feels snubbed (8 p.m.), Game night is a bust (8:30 p.m.) … Laurel comes to Oliver’s aid on "Arrow" (8 p.m., CW, r, TV-14) … Fitness fanatics on "Happy Together" (8:30 p.m., CBS, r, TV-PG) … Tokyo is under attack on "DC’s Legends of Tomorrow" (9 p.m., CW, r, TV-14) … Shaun tangles with Melendez on "The Good Doctor" (10 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14) … A moment of regret on "Bull" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).
LATE NIGHT
From Christmas celebrations,
Not even snarky late-night hosts are exempted.
To spend time with their families,
They’ve all been pre-empted.
(Kevin McDonough can be reached at [email protected].)
