Dear Amy: My husband and I have two children — a girl and boy. They are 3 and 4 years old.
I would like to have a third child, but my husband does not want to. He has a demanding job and so has limited time for hobbies, spending time with our children and seeing his friends. The two of us don’t get enough time together, kids are expensive, money is tight and having another will further delay our freedom and ability to travel.
I have always wanted to have a bigger family. I feel incomplete with two children. Sure, the early years are busy, but kids grow up. He sees this current phase of our lives as restricting, whereas I see it as a busy season in life that will pass. I would be incredibly sad to stop growing our family now.
We’re at a standstill and I’m not sure how we go about figuring this out.
How do we figure this out? If we don’t have more, how do I get over this?
— Wanting More
Dear Wanting More:
In order to be in a family with you, your husband must now tolerate some things that seem to really bother him: the lack of freedom, time and money.
In order to be in a family with him, you might need to learn to tolerate that ache you feel for more children.
In the absence of a happy compromise, you could work on your own personal capacity to be happy, anyway.
Dear Amy: I live with my spouse in her parents’ home. We rent from them, and they live elsewhere.
Her mom always wants to come to the house. It seems that every weekend, she finds a reason to come over.
Also, she is a very controlling person. If we tell her it doesn’t work out for her to visit, she gets very angry.
Do you have any advice for us?
— Encroached Upon
Dear Encroached: When dealing with controlling in-laws, boundaries must be drawn. This is especially challenging because you are living in a house owned by your spouse’s parents. Your mother-in-law likely feels entitled to visit the property she owns, even if the people in it haven’t invited her.
Rather than merely react to these pop-ins, your spouse is going to have to find a way to convey to their mother — in advance — that every single weekend is too much.
In order to draw this boundary and keep it strong, you and your partner are also going to have to learn to tolerate an occasional outburst or temper tantrum. Don’t let this woman run your show. If this becomes untenable, you should consider moving.
Dear Amy: For people vexed by the perennial question: “What do you do?” people should respond, “About what?” It’s a better conversation starter.
This was passed along to me by my boss, a psychiatrist.
— M
Dear M: Genius.
