Parents ponder disclosing abuse to the kids

Dear Amy: I am a 42-year-old man. My wife is 40. We were both abused as children.

I like to drink, and now my wife has followed this path.

We have two kids, whom we love very much.

Should we tell our kids about our past troubles?

We have done very well for ourselves. Our kids are great. They know we love them, and they have done very well.

Obviously, they see us drink too much at times.

The oldest is going off to college. He is a top-notch kid and he knows we love him.

I’ve told him about the genetics of alcohol (it does run in our family), but should I tell him about the abuse?

You always talk about being honest, but this seems like it might be too much?

I’m not sure if I’m trying to cover my own insecurities by telling him, or if honesty is the best policy here?

— Loving Father

Dear Father: Yes, honesty is the best policy. So, let’s talk about your drinking.

Yes, you should tell your children about your childhoods, but not right before your son heads off to college, and not while you are still drinking.

You should start by admitting your alcoholism, telling your story to a qualified therapist, and working toward recovery. Al-Anon’s program for kids: Alateen, would be most useful for your kids. Check Al-Anon.org for information about local meetings.

Even if you are not in recovery, this would be a gift for them.

Dear Amy: I’ve been with my boyfriend for two and a half years. He was married before and had children with his ex-wife (they are adults, now).

The marriage ended almost 10 years ago, when she told him she had been having an affair.

My issue is that his family continues to invite her to family functions — not just major holidays, but birthdays and such.

I have nothing against her — it just feels wrong!

Am I wrong if I tell them that as long as they continue to invite her to events, we will not attend?

My boyfriend is too nice to tell his family it bothers him, although in my opinion he shouldn’t have to.

— Savvy Girlfriend

Dear Savvy: Are you the boss of your boyfriend — and his family? Do you get to dictate the terms of their socializing?

You don’t have anything against this woman; your boyfriend’s family obviously don’t have anything against her, and your boyfriend likely doesn’t care one way or the other, because if he really did, he would give them the message that he didn’t want to socialize with his ex.

If you don’t want to attend events where his ex is also invited, then you can stay home, but if you make your attendance conditional, you should be prepared for them to choose her.

Dear Amy: I thought your advice to “Old Wounds” was great. Yes, she should tell her parents that she was sexually assaulted in middle school.

I’d like to add, however, that a great way to do this is to write a letter.

Face-to-face communication can catch people very off guard.

— Been There

Dear Been There: I agree that putting thoughts down on paper is an ideal way to frame — and tell — a story. Thank you.