Dear Amy: When my mother was a teenager, she gave birth to a son and put him up for adoption.
I only found out about it as a child because my grandmother became quite mean in her later years and told me about it in order to embarrass my mom. My mother and I never discussed it, and honestly I had pretty much forgotten about it.
Many years later, I bought one of those DNA testing kits and later got one for my mom, too. A few days ago, we both received an “ancestry sharing request” from a person the DNA service has identified as being my half-brother.
I asked my mom via text (I am currently living outside the country) if she was going to respond to him, but she didn’t answer the question.
Also, do I have any obligation to respond to this half-brother? My gut instinct is to not respond at all. I found him on Facebook and saw that his posts were all far too political and religious for me.
Thoughts?
— Wondering Half-sibling
Dear Wondering:
Yes, this would definitely reveal some very challenging truths for your mother. Given how her own mother treated her, she might not be able to face this reality. It would be kindest if you contacted your mother (perhaps by phone, not text) and asked, gently and without judgment, if she would like to talk about this.
Dear Amy: Before the pandemic, I cared for my grandson at my house.
My son-in-law, “Bart,” dropped him off then picked him up in the afternoon.
When he came to pick up my grandson, he often had alcohol on his breath.
Once I commented about the risk he was putting his son, and he minimized it, saying he had just had one drink.
My daughter is aware of this. She works in the health care industry.
Since they married things always have to be his way or the highway…and despite her being primary earner she doesn’t seem able to change their dynamics.
Help!
Anxious Grandma
Dear Grandma: If you resume your caregiving duties, it would be good to start off with some new understanding. Realistically, you will not be able to affect a change in the dynamic of this household, so your focus should be on the child’s safety.
Be very clear and calm, and say, “I can’t knowingly put him in a car with someone who has been drinking. I just couldn’t live with myself. Bart, if you want to stop and have a drink on the way home, let me know and I will take him home, myself. Otherwise, I think it would be best if someone else picked him up in the afternoon. That way, it won’t be an issue.”
Dear Amy: I appreciated the letter from “Shylingual,” who wondered if practicing her Spanish with Spanish speakers would be offended.
They just need to say/ask: “I’m practicing my Spanish. Can I speak to you in Spanish?” Or, “Will you tolerate some bad Spanish so I can practice getting better?”
I can’t imagine anyone saying no or being offended.
Edie
Dear Edie: The many responses to this question are overall encouraging Shylingual to be less shy.
