You’ve likely heard it said that the body is a temple. If that’s true, I’m living in the wrong neighborhood.
My body is not a temple. In fact, if I were to ask a real estate agent to describe my body as he would a house for sale, I’m sure I’d be listed as a “fixer-upper” or a “handyman’s dream” or even a “great restoration project.”
And that’s only if you buy in the next 30 days. If you wait much longer, I could easily be described as “condemned.”
My “house” definitely has that “lived in” look. Let’s take the tour.
We’ll start with the plumbing. While the pipes have sprung no leaks yet, there’s been a definite drop in water pressure, along with the occasional slow-running drain.
The wiring is old, probably not up to code, and has a tendency to short out or flip a circuit breaker. This is especially noticeable when the house is trying to hold a camera steady or remember where it left its keys.
What’s that? Is it a “smart” house? Well, it was, back before its computer “brain” became clogged with song lyrics and earworms. Today I’d describe it as a smart house, but only if the category is Rock ’n’ Roll Lyrics of the 1970s. Shall we continue?
Lately, both the furnace and the air conditioner have begun kicking on and off whenever they feel like it, no matter the weather. The temperature inside the house can go from tropical to arctic and back in just a few minutes time. It’s annoying, but you can get used to it, especially if you have no choice.
And though there have been no obvious signs yet, I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the ductwork is partially clogged too. But a good scrubbing should take care of that.
The house’s wife says it doesn’t hear very well anymore, but the house says it hears just fine, thank you, and would hear even better if the wife would stop whispering.
What’s that? Yes, the price is negotiable. But before we talk money, let’s take a look outside, shall we?
You’ll notice that there are very few shingles left on the roof and that those remaining have faded from black to gray. But if you believe the TV commercials, there are several facilities than can help the new owner grow replacement shingles.
The siding has sprouted some unusual bumps and areas of discoloration, but that’s not unusual for a classic home such as this that has been through the change of seasons more than a few times.
What’s that? Is the house structurally sound? Well, to be honest, some of the support beams may have shifted a bit or even cracked. And recently, signs of termite infestation, mold and dry rot have begun to appear.
OK, that’s the end of the tour. Any questions?
What will it take to get this fixer-upper fixed up? Well, the house has consulted with many professional contractors. Some have been helpful; others not so much. The house has been prescribed several different chemical tools aimed at fixing various problem areas.
What’s that? No, it doesn’t look like these chemical tools have helped much, does it?
But the house has recently been prescribed yet another tool. I’m sure you’ve heard of it if you watch television at all. This new tool is heavily advertised, though half of every commercial is devoted to telling the viewer all the different ways the tool might harm, or even destroy, the house.
So, who’s feeling handy? No reasonable offer will be refused.