Dear Amy: My wife and I have been together for 15 years. We have three children.
I would describe our marriage as normal; we’ve gotten into arguments, but things always tend to bounce back to normal after a few days.
About a year ago, she started a new job. After an argument, she said that we aren’t soulmates, that I don’t “get” her and that she thinks we should get a divorce.
In 15 years, she had never mentioned these things to me, so it came off as a red flag.
After some snooping, I found out she was Snapchatting with a (male) co-worker. I was devastated. I immediately went into save-my-marriage mode.
She says we should break up because of our past and brings up all of our past arguments. But I am willing to work on those things and try to become a better person, husband, and father.
— Feel Like a Fool
Dear Feel Like a Fool: At this point, I hope you will focus on your own health and healing — and on the emotional health of your children. In short, you cannot control you wife’s feelings, or her actions. You do you.
A groundbreaking book which may put some of this behavior into focus for you is: “Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity,” by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli (2004, Atria Books).
This classic “how to” on how to rebuild a relationship will put your wife’s behavior into context. It also offers a roadmap to recovery, which might work for you (and your wife, if she is willing to try).
Dear Amy: I’m a 60-year-old single woman who recently lost a friend of 40 years to cancer.
My friend’s husband, “Jack,” 64, is a wonderful man and misses her terribly.
Jack and I spoke at some length at the memorial service and I sensed he could use some companionship.
He invited me to return to the memorial service venue after I took my mother home for what he said would be “the inner circle after-party.” I didn’t return, but now regret it, and want to contact him.
What is your guidance regarding a woman reaching out to a recent widower to offer her company?
All our mutual friends and family are watching; a misstep would cost me dearly.
— Wondering
Dear Wondering: The only misstep I could imagine would be you throwing yourself at this new widower.
But you are not going to do that. You need only contact him to say, “I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to attend the gathering after “Jill’s” service. How are you doing?”
Reach out in friendship, and follow his cues.
Dear Amy: Thank you for your compassion regarding the challenging 10-year-old daughter, “Tally,” whose “Befuddled Mom” wrote to you. I especially appreciated that you suggested music and theater — both as outlets and as communities for this child.
— Appreciative
Dear Appreciative: I was active in sports as well as music and theater in my (very) small school; and later also in college. Sports always fulfilled an important need (for me), but music and theater always felt like family.
