Apparently, I am in some pretty serious legal trouble. Fortunately, a complete stranger called out of the blue to warn me.
My unseen benefactor informed me that I would be “taken under custody by the local police as there are four serious allegations pressed on your name at this moment.” I am not sure what that even means but it sounds pretty serious. The stranger on the other end of the line said, “we would request that you get back to us to discuss about this case.”
Despite their awkward phrasing, I was delighted to learn that all I have to do to make my legal problems go away is to buy some gift cards at the store and then send them to the good Samaritans. But I had to do it immediately. Like magic, my legal woes would just disappear. What a deal!
Unfortunately, this does not follow with my understanding of the American criminal justice system. In all of the semesters that I have taught Introduction to American Government, I do not remember any part of the U.S. Constitution where I could get out of legal problems by buying gift cards. I am pretty sure that is not what James Madison and the other creators of the Constitution had in mind.
I have learned some other distressing news from random telephone calls. I was surprised to find out that I owe the Internal Revenue Service a lot of money and there is a warrant out for my arrest. That problem can also go away if I just purchase more gift cards. I have also learned that my computer has a virus and needs to be rebooted. My car warranty is expiring. My house also needs new siding and windows. They have offered to help me with Medicare coverage even though I am decades short of eligibility. They have spent a lot of time researching my life.
The news has not all been bad. I have also won a cruise. I also recently won the Canadian lottery, even though I do not remember ever buying a ticket.
I receive the bulk of these shake-down attempts at really convenient times, usually when I am about ready to eat dinner. I have some choice names for these bunco artists— none of which can be published here. These thieves prey on the elderly and financially unsophisticated.
The best course of action is to not answer the phone unless you recognize the number. Many times, they use technology to spoof Columbus area telephone numbers. So it is difficult to tell who is actually calling you. If you have real legal or tax problems, you will not be notified by an unsolicited phone call.
Whatever you do, never send them any money. If we stopped them from profiting from these scams, the phone calls and spam emails would stop.
If you are as annoyed as I am at these daily interruptions, watch a YouTube video of comedian James Veitch. He has found some hilarious ways to fight back against scam artists and spammers. The video will make you feel a lot better to know that someone is getting even.
It is probably not the smartest thing to do, but I get so frustrated that sometimes I have some fun at the scammers’ expense. I tell them that I know that they are thieves and liars. I have also turned the tables and asked them to send me money. My favorite response is to tell them that I have recently passed away. But they are persistent.
Despite the mischaracterization of my physical well-being and the deliberate exaggeration of my demise, they keep calling.
Aaron Miller is one of The Republic’s community columnists and all opinions expressed are those of the writer. He has a doctorate in history and is an associate professor of history at Ivy Tech Community College — Columbus. Send comments to editorial@therepublic.com.
