Some days I think all my angst and confusion about the state of our nation could be resolved, if I only could figure out who “they” are.
I suspect “they” are all-knowing aliens who have come to Earth to feed truth directly to human brains.
Although I have never seen an alien or talked to one, I have observed their influence on humankind. They very well could be quarks — those subatomic particles no scientist has ever seen but smart people (who know a lot about egg-head mathematics) claim they have confirmed in experiments.
Whatever.
I am convinced “they” are the answer to the cumbersome, time-consuming and confusing “three R” approach to knowledge: reading, researching and reasoning. "They" are so authoritative and brilliant that “they” have become a main (if not the main) source driving the great American political debate.
Problem is, “they” don’t seem to be telling everyone the same thing.
In recent months, “they” spoke to a friend of mine, who later told me, “They say, if all teachers carried guns, we would not have any more shootings in schools.” He was convinced “they” are knowledgeable, have studied the issue and are a valid source for all. (I told him I would like to read their research and he said “they” had published it but he couldn’t remember where he had read it.)
In my daily conversations, I have learned that “they” have substantiated a long list of facts that are not taught by the elites in Ivy League universities, but are solid truth. The list includes (but is not limited to) the following. They say:
- Donald Trump is a covert Russian agent
- Barack Obama is a covert Islamic terrorist
- A glass of red wine each day will help your heart
- A glass of red wine each day will give you stomach cancer
- “They” are coming to repeal the Second Amendment, confiscate your property, close your church and brainwash your children
- “They” are coming to repeal the First Amendment, outlaw the free press, and designate fundamentalist Christianity as the national religion
- President Kennedy was shot by the CIA, but is being kept alive on life-support in a secret hospital with the captured aliens in “Area 51”
All I can say is “they” must be correct in their facts (no fake news here) because so many of us rely so heavily on them as an infallible source. We quote them in conversations, paraphrase them in letters to the editor and make references to their political views in the daily stream of Orchids and Onions in this newspaper.
Surely, if “they” were not a reliable source, we Americans — in an age when other credibly researched, objective information can be found on both sides of any issue with just a little effort — would quit believing them.
“They” tell me, however, that the odds are not good in that regard.
Bud Herron is a retired editor and newspaper publisher who lives in Columbus. He served as publisher of The Republic from 1998 to 2007. His weekly column appears on the Opinion page each Sunday. Contact him at editorial@therepublic.com.
