Dear Amy: A few months into freshman year of college (not too long ago), an acquaintance of mine accused a popular athlete on campus of date rape and notified the college and police.
I can’t remember the details of what allegedly happened, but I vividly remember how many of her friends turned on her and accused her of lying. The girl in question later withdrew for a semester.
My circle of friends and I have talked about how we all remember that event, and how we regret we never said anything in defense of this woman when our peers dragged her name through the mud.
So many times, I’ve wanted to reach out to this girl and try to apologize for what she went through.
Would reaching out to this women years after the fact be helpful to her — or just hurtful?
— Regretful
Dear Regretful: I applaud the fact that you have made the connection between what is happening now in the larger culture, and your own inaction previously.
I don’t know if reaching out now would trigger this woman’s trauma, but surely the current exposure to the suffering of people who have survived sexual violence and have been further injured by being denied is a trigger for many victims.
So yes — you should reach out. Do so privately — not on social media.
You can express compassion, concern and an expanded understanding of the impact of your virtual abandonment. Apologize on your own behalf. Express remorse, and tell her you hope that she can find it in her heart to forgive you.
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been friends with a fun couple for many years now. Unfortunately, they have just joined a multi-level marketing scheme predicated on targeting friends and family for sales.
While we are happy they have something to be passionate about, they are no longer a fun couple to be around.
Now when we have them over for dinner, their product is all they want to talk about. Every conversation that we manage to steer away from this eventually returns to it, even though we have told them we are not interested.
I can’t imagine inviting them to dinner parties with our other friends, as we used to, knowing that they will be aggressively working the room for sales. Should we confront them and explain things, or should we just stop inviting them?
— Curious
Dear Curious: You should certainly try to offer this couple a course correction before ditching the friendship. Convey your thoughts: “We’re really happy you have this passion for your product, but it seems to have taken over your life. Sometimes I feel like you’re still trying to sell to us. Even though you know we’re not interested in your product, we’re still interested in you. But have you lost interest in us?”
After that, yes — if they have become one-note selling machines, you should stop entertaining them. This seems a natural consequence of their current choices.
Dear Amy: “The Invisible Wife” described how her husband’s addiction to his electronic devices is leaving her completely out of his life.
You suggested that she should put together a cute video as a bid for his attention.
I think she should dump him.
— Boom
Dear Boom: Well, dumping is certainly one way to go. However, “Invisible Wife” said that she loved her husband. She didn’t want to dump him. She just wanted to get his attention.
