My cat Scooby says he is a Libertarian.
I am not sure whether he means he is a conservative Libertarian or a liberal Libertarian; I just know he does not like to be governed.
His born-free attitudes (you know, “free as the grass grows, free as the wind blows”) are at the heart of his Libertarian politics. Still, he is confused about whether he will push the Republican or the Democrat button in the approaching election.
I do know he is unlikely to vote a split ticket. He is one of those voters with strong, ideological beliefs about being allowed to “do his own thing,” but with practically no knowledge of the specific issues. Whichever side of a door he is on, he wants to be on the other side and he meows angrily about the governmental conspiracy to impede his liberty.
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Some days Scooby seems to be a free-as-the-grass-grows liberal Libertarian — the sort that wants to deregulate catnip for recreational use. Other days he appears to be a free-as-the-wind-blows conservative Libertarian — the sort that opposes zoning laws regulating where to place the litter box, but still wants someone to scoop it out for him every day.
Scooby is happy to live with these contradictions and holds fast to his individualistic, every-cat-for-himself and stay-out-of-my-supper-dish beliefs. If his brother (and rumored domestic partner) Shaggy runs out of food, Scooby believes in sharing, as long as the mysterious outside entity that keeps refilling the dish does not require him to do so.
Shaggy does not share Scooby’s Libertarian beliefs. In fact, a political thought hardly ever limps up from the drivel of conversations I have with Shaggy each day.
While Scooby frantically switches back and forth between the partisan, political “news” on Fox and MSNBC — depending on which part of his Libertarianism is driving on him any given day — Shaggy watches “The Price is Right” and dreams of winning his own supper dish so Scooby won’t be able to crowd him out of their common bowl.
Shaggy just wants Scooby to shut up and let him enjoy watching “The Voice” and “Cat Houses of the Rich and Famous” in peace.
Shaggy studied interior design at the prestigious Feline School of Baseboard Spraying and has no interest in government, economics or political science. (He once participated in a protest march outside a spay and neuter clinic in Indianapolis, but that was a personal cause, not primarily a political one.)
Truth be told, Shaggy feels no responsibility to try to understand the issues in play in this mid-term election and he knows next to nothing about the candidates. Still, he plans to vote — primarily because he believes total ignorance is no reason to ignore one’s patriotic duty.
I can’t seem to talk sense into either of them.
Scooby simply ignores me as he scratches and whines to get on the other side of whatever door he perceives is blocking his path to paradise. Shaggy just sprays the baseboard and pretends no world exists apart from interior design and TV game shows.
As we approach the Nov. 6 election, however, we can all find comfort in two realities: 1. human beings, who will likely be in the majority that day, are much more informed and thoughtful than these cats; 2. as best I can tell, neither cat is registered to vote.
Bud Herron is a retired editor and newspaper publisher who lives in Columbus. He served as publisher of The Republic from 1998 to 2007. His weekly column appears on the Opinion page each Sunday. Contact him at editorial@therepublic.com.
