I recently read a blog post by Dave Stuart Jr., a high school teacher who writes and researches about literacy, motivation, and the inner work of teaching. In his Oct. 31, 2019 post, Stuart discusses how to connect well with students. His advice? To actually like your students, which he admits takes hard work.
Stuart says students often say or do things that can hurt his feelings, cause resentment, or make him want to write them off. Are there people in your life that fit this description?
Coworkers, family members, friends, neighbors, or even those with different political views than you? I’m sure we all know someone who makes us feel this way.
To combat these feelings, Stuart tries to put himself in his students’ shoes. He imagines what it might be like to be them. He looks “for redeeming qualities in them: in their smiles, their senses of humor, their odd mannerisms, their impromptu confessions.” Stuart also says he goes “through spiritual exercises of praying for them and asking God to help me like them.” He even imagines himself as a researcher “studying a world that has never been studied before.”
What if we tried some of these strategies in our relationships and interactions with others?
Perhaps we would all get along better and would be more respectful.
When I was first divorced, I would often get frustrated and/or hurt by some of the things my ex-husband did. One of my brothers gave me advice similar to Stuart’s: I should imagine the situations being reversed — would I want to be in my ex’s shoes and how would I feel in his place? Following this advice helped me to stop focusing on my hurt and to see where my ex might be coming from.
Another tactic I use in this vein is to think of how I act in similar circumstances. For example, when my husband spends time with his children or helping others, I can end up feeling neglected. However, when my children are here, I turn my attention on them instead of on my husband and he probably feels less important. When someone gets grouchy with me, I try to remember that I get grouchy too and that my grouchiness is not usually personal. I’m probably just worried about something, so others might also be dealing with their own stresses.
I’ve used Stuart’s strategy of looking for the good in others particularly when my children were teenagers. Teenagers seem to be on a mission to annoy the adults around them and particularly their parents. I found that remembering the amusing, helpful, or kind things they did reduced my annoyance. Thinking about the times my boys showed genuine concern for each other made tolerating the times they argued with each other easier to manage.
This strategy can also be helpful with people who have different views than you especially in the political arena. Each political party has their own approach to current issues, but people in each party work hard to come up with solutions that they think will improve the situation. Just because someone is from a party different than yours, doesn’t mean their ideas or solutions are bad or wrong. I am saddened to read some of the Onions in The Republic that bash whole groups of people merely because of their political views.
In his Oct. 27, 2019 column in The Republic, Bud Herron discussed how he and a lifelong friend have found themselves on differing political sides yet they remain friends. Herron and his friend don’t really discuss their political views which is one way to avoid hurt feelings, but Herron feels maybe they should discuss their views in a civil manner. Maybe the two friends, and the rest of us, could focus on the things they agree on instead of where they disagree. Maybe we could all use Stuart’s strategy of studying those with different views to understand their beliefs.
If you are religious, praying for help to like others can be beneficial. I believe when I pray for this kind of help, I tend to be more compassionate, more willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, and less focused on my own hurt feelings.
Whatever your beliefs, all of these strategies can help us get along with and make connections with others. Put some of them into practice when dealing with those who make your life challenging.
Susan Cox is one of The Republic’s community columnists, and all opinions expressed are those of the writer. She is a mother, an adjunct instructor of English at Ivy Tech Community College-Columbus and a substitute teacher for Bartholomew Consolidated School Corp. She can be reached at editorial@therepublic.com.
