Even holiday generosity has its limits. Always game for a new spin on “A Christmas Carol” (7:30 p.m., FX, TV-MA), I was intrigued by one from the creative minds behind “Taboo” and “Peaky Blinders.” But this effort is a Christmas atrocity.
It takes a certain gall to mess with Dickens and come up with something so profane, violent and boring.
The beauty of Dickens’ story is its brevity. A master storyteller takes us through four hauntings and a complete personal transformation and redemption in 66 pages, more or less.
From its very first line, the book assures us that Jacob Marley is most sincerely dead. “As a doornail,” the author emphasizes.
In this version, Marley (Stephen Graham, “Boardwalk Empire,” “The Irishman”) lies sentient in his coffin, unable to rest in peace. Just to gild the sordid lily, we see a street urchin urinate on his headstone in the opening scene.
The production invents a whole subplot about Marley’s transmigration through the underworld to finally haunt old Ebenezer Scrooge (Guy Pearce). It takes a solid hour for him to rattle his chains and warn his old partner.
Before that we hear of some dark secret haunting poor Mrs. Cratchit (Vinette Robinson)!
And don’t get me started on what they do to Scrooge. Here, he’s seen as a cold, rationalist skeptic with a touch of OCD, haunted by a cruel, pet-killing father and a victim of sexual abuse at the hands of his school headmaster. His sister rescues him from further molestation with a handgun!
This “Carol” appears to have been produced as a three-part miniseries and then simply dumped on tonight’s schedule as a movie. Somebody must have known that nobody would have stuck around for parts two and three. Heck, I would have bailed after the scene of the kid micturating on Marley’s grave. But I have my professional duties.
Let this review stand as a warning, a bony finger pointed toward your television future. If you watch this new “Christmas Carol,” you will live to regret it!
TONIGHT’S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS
— A September pageant for decades, Miss America 2020 (8 p.m., NBC) arrives just in time for the holidays!
— Elves at the ready on “Disney Prep & Landing” (8 p.m., ABC, TV-G), followed by “Disney Prep & Landing 2: Naughty vs. Nice” (8:30 p.m., ABC, TV-G).
— A poker game ruined on “Last Man Standing” (8 p.m., Fox, r, TV-PG). New episodes of this Tim Allen comedy return on Jan. 2.
— Democratic presidential hopefuls meet in debate (8 p.m., PBS, CNN).
— A jilted travel writer takes a “Christmas Getaway” (8 p.m., Hallmark, TV-G).
— Drug-fueled violence unfolds on “Prodigal Son” (9 p.m., Fox, r, TV-14).
— Cookies crumble on “The Great American Baking Show: Holiday Edition” (9 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).
— Prophets and loss on “Evil” (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).
— Blake Shelton and Chelsea Handler appear on “Gwen Stefani’s You Make It Feel Like Christmas” (10 p.m., NBC, r, TV-PG).
— An estranged couple (John Goodman and Diane Keaton) welcome their fractured family for the holidays in the 2015 comedy “Love the Coopers” (10 p.m., AMC, TV-14).
CULT CHOICE
Dimwits (Frances McDormand and Brad Pitt) stumble upon secret CIA information in the 2008 comedy “Burn After Reading” (9 p.m., Starz Encore). George Clooney, John Malkovich, Tilda Swinton, Richard Jenkins and J.K. Simmons star. A minor but amusing Coen Brothers effort, combining elements of spy thriller and sex farce.
SERIES NOTES
Taking a stand on “Young Sheldon” (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-PG) … Top hits on “iHeartRadio Jingle Ball 2019” (8 p.m., CW, TV-14) … Privacy matters on “The Unicorn” (8:30 p.m., CBS, r, TV-PG) … Suspicious minds on “Mom” (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) … A marathon, not a sprint, on “Carol’s Second Act” (9:30 p.m., CBS, r, TV-PG) … Aisha Tylor hosts “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” (9:30 p.m., CW, r, TV-14).
LATE NIGHT
Mehdi Hasan is booked on “The Daily Show With Trevor Noah” (11 p.m., Comedy Central) … Adam Sandler is scheduled on “Conan” (11 p.m., TBS, TV-14) … Nicole Byer, Greg Fitzsimmons and Ron Funches appear on “Lights Out With David Spade” (11:30 p.m., Comedy Central).
Jennifer Hudson, Jonathan Pryce and Sharon Van Etten featuring Norah Jones are booked on “The Late Show With Stephen Colbert” (11:35 p.m., CBS) … Jimmy Fallon welcomes Kate McKinnon and Dua Lipa on “The Tonight Show” (11:35 p.m., NBC) … Margot Robbie, Gov. John Kasich and White Reaper appear on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (11:35 p.m., ABC).
John Lithgow and Ana Gasteyer visit “Late Night With Seth Meyers” (12:35 a.m., NBC).
