Dear Amy: I am a recovering addict. I have been clean been for over 20 years.
I was in a very mentally and physically abusive relationship with my first husband (the father of my children), and he has since passed away.
Finally, I met the love of my life, and when we first met, he made some judgmental comments about people who use drugs.
Once I became aware of his attitude, I was afraid to say anything that might ruin our relationship.
I have told him about most of my life before him. I have never lied to him, but I have also never mentioned that part of my life.
I struggle with this because I want to be honest, and I want him to know everything about me.
What are your thoughts?
—Recovered
Dear Recovered: If you had truly left your addiction and recovery in the past, then you wouldn’t still be worrying about it.
But I don’t think you should leave this part of your own history in the past, because you will be in recovery for the rest of your life. This is a rich and important part of your complicated story, and your partner deserves to know this about you.
The fact that you have been “afraid” to bring this up is an impediment to your emotional intimacy.
I hope you will choose to bravely face this now, giving the man you love the opportunity to really know you.
Dear Amy: I recently found out that my fiance has been tracking me via an app on my phone.
This is an app that he would’ve had to go into my phone to set up and enable.
I haven’t done anything at all to inspire this behavior from him.
He’s also never really had much of a long-term girlfriend.
Thinking back to different situations where he has oddly questioned some things, I realize that he has been been tracking me for a while, now.
We have been together for a year and a half.
I am supposed to be preparing to move in with him a long distance away. This involves picking up my whole life and leaving where I live.
I literally feel violated, disappointed, and angry all in one.
How am I supposed to bring this up to him, and how do I move past this and we continue forward? Is that even possible?
– At a Loss
Dear Loss: I’m going to assume that you have absolutely verified that this has happened because when confronted, your guy will likely deny it.
If this man’s behavior isn’t a dealbreaker for you — then what is?
You are feeling righteously angry, disappointed and violated by his choice.
The fact that you aren’t sure how to express your indignation about this should be another red flag for you.
You need to unpack your bags and stay right where you are. You should move forward without him.
You could really mess with him by changing your number and shipping your current phone to Cleveland, not that I would ever suggest such a thing.
Dear Amy: “Concerned Friend” reported that searching for a friend’s bridal registry seemed to lead to several porn sites.
This happened to me. I had made (and forgotten about) a couple of websites back in the day and I learned that some skeevy porn site had parked on one of them.
Creepy.
– Been There
Dear Been There: Yikes. This is a great reason for all of us to clean up our virtual “rooms.” You never know what’s hiding in the internet’s closet.
