Dear Amy: I am a woman in my 70s. I do not understand why women in their 30s think they can treat their elders with disrespect.
I had two unkind mothers-in-law but I wouldn’t have dreamed of being rude to them or “telling them off.”
I was taught to show respect to elders and, unless someone was abusive to me or others, to allow other elders to correct the children, if needed.
Is this a generational thing, that young family members can be rude to us, take offense about petty issues, and ignore or refuse to speak to us even after we have apologized for the smallest “offense”?
I have taught women’s classes on assertiveness in my profession, but this is not assertiveness. It is aggression.
I’d appreciate your thoughts.
— Disrespected
Dear Disrespected: I do think you’re onto something regarding tension between millennials and boomers. It certainly surfaced during the pandemic, when (by my observation) millennials sought to control their parents, who — in their opinion — were not taking risks to themselves and others seriously enough.
I have been surprised both by the selfishness displayed by the elders, as well as the controlling and rude reactions of the youngers.
My recommendation for you is to try to engage in honest dialogue and continue to behave respectfully because that is who you are.
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married for 10.
Recently he admitted to sleeping with someone else — twice.
My heart is shattered. I want to be able to forgive him and to get our trust back.
He has tearfully apologized (he never cries).
I went through a range of emotions — from anger to tears, to just asking: “Why?”
I am in menopause and have had health problems.
We both just want to get back to us.
Help!
– Shattered
Dear Shattered: A marriage counselor could help you both to sort through your emotions in a way that also promotes moving forward. (Notice, I didn’t say “moving on,” because your goal should be to move forward with trust and greater insight.)
Your husband needs to do more than show his emotions through his tearful confession.
He must stop seeing the person he slept with and cut off contact.
He should accept full responsibility for what he did (not blame your menopause or health problems) and give you all the time you require to seek answers.
He must not expect quick forgiveness from you.
He must answer all of your questions truthfully.
Your eventual goal should be not just to survive this rough patch, but to let the trust-building period lead you toward growth.
This growth will be more apparent in hindsight, and I certainly hope you get there.
Dear Amy: “In a Quandary” described putting off his and his wife’s planned separation because of his daughter’s mental illness.
Her mental problems seemed to come up just as they were having trouble in the marriage. Seems too much of a coincidence to me.
– Happily Divorced
Dear Divorced: Tension between parents could be a triggering event, but if you are implying that this daughter was manipulating her parents, I didn’t get that impression from the letter.
