Dear Amy: My wife was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer that has metastasized.
Our friends (a couple) volunteered to stay at our house and watch our elderly dog so that I could take my wife out of town for a nice weekend before she started a 12-week course of chemotherapy. We thought this was incredibly kind and beautiful.
Only the wife showed up (the husband did not come).
On the last morning the wife texted me at 7 a.m. to call her.
I feared our dog had died. I called her and she said she had fallen in our house and wanted our help.
I asked if she needed EMS and she said no, but she reiterated that she wanted us to come home right away.
We were five hours away but immediately packed up and started driving.
Her husband, who was nearby, did not go to the house to help his wife.
When we got back, the wife made a big production of showing us her ankle, which was slightly swollen and bruised.
She had me drive her to an urgent care facility nearby. Her husband still had not come, but called us and was critical that we had not done more.
She made comments suggesting that she might bring a personal injury claim against us, even though there was nothing wrong with our house.
She had a mischievous grin on her face for much of the time. We could not believe it.
This might have been my wife’s last trip away, ever. It was as if she was jealous of the focus on my wife’s illness. Who does that?
We thought this was the height of narcissistic behavior, and we have decided we want nothing further to do with these people.
Are we unreasonable for feeling this way?
– Dismayed
Dear Dismayed: I’m amazed at how often people ask me if it is “reasonable” for them to feel the way they feel.
Heck yes!
This entire episode sounds like a friendship-ender. I’m sorry you had to experience it during such a challenging moment in your own lives.
It’s a cliché, but true, that when times are tough is when you really learn who your friends are.
I hope you and your wife discover that you have other friends who are helpful, generous, and reliable.
Dear Amy: I am a 29-year-old woman. I have dated my partner for seven years (we’ve lived together for two years).
He embodies so many qualities I admire, and I feel a deep love for him. I know our future is “going to work out” because we have similar goals, values, and a plan for marriage.
Knowing this brings me a sense of security and safety.
However, I feel an overwhelming loneliness inside.
I feel we lack emotional intimacy, despite my efforts to cultivate it.
We rarely spend time together; he spends most of his time focused on career and his circle of friends. A recent example: he is about to graduate law school and is planning his “bar trip,” which he wants to spend with his friends, rather than me.
I have had heart-to-hearts with him about my feelings and receive empathy in the moment, with no actionable changes.
I suggested we go to therapy, but he was adamantly opposed.
Ultimately, I don’t feel like a cherished priority. I’m having trouble discerning if this is normal as relationships evolve over time, or if we fundamentally have differences in the closeness we desire from a partner.
Your take?
– Worried
Dear Worried: My take is that yes, you and your partner have fundamental differences.
For instance, I assume that if you felt more connected each day, you wouldn’t be upset about your partner’s planned bar crawl.
This doesn’t mean that you two don’t love one another, but if you feel lonely now, your loneliness will intensify unless you adopt more of his relationship style (not that I would suggest this). But he will not adopt yours, just as he will not attend therapy.
I will say this: A true intimate connection where people are very much in sync does not feel this way, even over time.
Dear Amy: “Overwhelmed” might do well to learn to delegate a fair share of household tasks to other family members, and to practice saying “No, I simply don’t have time” to others whose requests have become burdensome to her. That could help to alleviate her overwhelmed status!
– Regular Reader
Dear Reader: Great advice. It is also legitimate to respond to a request by saying, “No,” without supplying a reason.
