Dear Amy: I’ve been with “Angie” for about six months.
We are both in our late-20’s and are compatible in many ways. I could see planning a long future with her.
There is one issue I’m concerned about, however.
She asks to “go through” my phone on a regular basis. She says that her previous boyfriend cheated on her (they were engaged), and that going through my phone helps to ease her anxiety about being cheated on.
She says that this is a great way to establish trust.
I let her do this because I have nothing to hide, but this doesn’t feel right. I have no desire to go through her phone.
I’m wondering if this is something I should be concerned about in terms of planning a future together.
– Concerned Boyfriend
Dear Concerned: You should not submit to any behavior that “doesn’t feel right,” and this need of “Angie’s” to dive regularly into your personal data is a major red flag.
All of us carry our previous experiences along with us – because we learn as we go – but she is reacting to her relationship trauma by acting out toward you. (If Angie needs to go through someone’s phone, perhaps she should track down her ex.)
The only reason to go through a partner’s phone is if there is a history of infidelity or a lack of trust in that relationship – and the decision to turn over a phone should be made by mutual agreement.
Couples who are trying to recover from infidelity will sometimes offer to surrender their individual privacy for a time in order to get back on track.
This is not the way to build trust in a new relationship.
Established, trusting couples can know each other’s passwords and can hand their phones back and forth, with each party understanding that their partner won’t violate their privacy (by going through texts and emails), even if they have nothing at all to hide.
I wonder how Angie would react if you decided not to surrender your phone. You might confront this by telling her that she is going to have to find other ways to deal with her anxiety and insecurities, and that you’d like to help, but that you cannot do it for her by supplying proof, on demand, that you’re not a bad guy.
Ultimately, trust is a choice, and she doesn’t seem ready to make it.
Dear Amy: In recent years we’ve had a falling out with our child’s spouse, and it’s come down to the in-law’s way or no way.
As a result, the relationships with our child and grandchildren have also been impacted. Although I love them all dearly, I won’t let the in-law dictate how I live my life.
I’ve continued to send birthday and Christmas money, but there is no acknowledgment of these gifts and, as of late, VERY little contact from our child.
It breaks my heart, but I’m trying to let go and let our child decide to initiate further contact because it seems like a one-way effort.
While I want them to know they are loved, does it make sense to continue gifting?
– To Gift or Not
Dear Gift: If you want these relatives to know that they are loved, then show – and tell – them.
It is easy for you to send (or decline to send) money, but giving money doesn’t demonstrate that you love them. Receiving money but not thanking you for it doesn’t mean that they don’t love you; it does mean that they don’t care enough about this transaction to encourage you to continue.
If your grandchildren are under 18, you should send gifts to them for their special occasion days, along with expressions of your love for them.
Otherwise, you should contact your adult child whenever you feel the desire to do so, understanding – or anticipating – that your contact might not be reciprocated.
If you let this relationship with your own child completely die, then this might be one more way that the in-law is controlling you.
Dear Amy: Thank you for your answer to the question posed by “Concerned Neighbor,” who wanted to correct “Ruth,” her wonderful 87-year-old neighbor who retrieved her newspaper each morning and then “flung” it against the door, waking the neighbor.
I agree that one day soon, this neighbor might long for the sound of that thud in the morning.
– Paper Route Alumnus
Dear Alumnus: The Smithsonian should record that sound – now nearly extinct – and archive it for future generations.
