Dear Amy: My stepson and his wife and 3-year-old daughter live in Hawaii.
My wife and I are on the West Coast.
We visit them several times a year, and they visit over the Christmas holidays when they can.
The times we spend together are always warm and drama-free.
We’re on good terms, and I adore them.
My one issue is our daughter-in-law. While sweet as she can be, she video calls every day, often more than once, to recite the minutiae of her day.
Honestly, it can be quite tedious.
Sure, it’s good to see our toddler granddaughter, even when she’s being difficult or disinterested, but these unscheduled video calls can run 10, 15, 20 minutes each, and too often happen during meals or when we’re reading, watching television, or drifting off to sleep.
We have other children and grandchildren who we speak with about once a week. This amount of contact is delightful and reasonable.
I have gently mentioned the annoyance to my wife, who mostly agrees, but cannot bring herself to set a few boundaries for fear of hurting our daughter-in-law’s feelings.
After bringing it up several times, I realized that my prodding hurt my wife’s feelings.
I will occasionally move to another room, but because these are video calls, it’s difficult to disengage without showing my disinterest or annoyance.
I’d just like her to keep it “short and sweet.”
What do you think?
– Hanging Up
Dear Hanging Up: It sounds as if your daughter-in-law is very lonely. She wouldn’t be video chatting with her husband’s folks twice a day if she had friends, other family, and other satisfying outlets.
Has your wife discussed this with her son? (Not the annoyance of the calls, but the issue of his wife’s possible loneliness?)
Calling seems to be a lifeline for this mom, and your wife could ask her if she is involved in any playgroups or other activities with other moms and their children.
This mother likely gave birth during the height of the pandemic, and I wonder if this experience has made her self-isolate.
As the primary contact, your wife should encourage this young mom to find ways to connect with other families.
On your next visit, you grandparents should look at opportunities in her neighborhood with fresh eyes. Visits to the local playground can yield abundant friendships for both the child and the parents.
Here are ways to create boundaries if she is calling at an inconvenient time: “Oh, we’re just sitting down to dinner. Is everything OK? Can we talk tomorrow?”
Additionally, I suggest that you“dial in” (pay close attention) for a few moments to make eye contact in a friendly, sincere, and open manner, and then go on your way.
You might also alter this dynamic if you initiate a call.
You can start by saying, “I just have a few minutes, but want to give you a quick hello. How’s my adorable grandchild doing?”
Dear Amy: One of my kids is getting married this spring. I have been erased and not invited at all. My ex alienated me from this child.
I do not know what to do. Should I still send a card?
Should I still send a present?
Some people say send nothing. Some say I should take myself on a nice vacation.
What do you or others recommend that I do?
– Alienated Dad
Dear Alienated: You should send your child a warmly written letter, congratulating them on the engagement and sincerely wishing the couple much happiness. Don’t overload it with history. Sign off, with, “I hope you have a wonderful wedding celebration with much joy. I’ll be thinking about you both.”
And then go on that vacation.
Dear Amy: I am quite disgusted by the first line of your recent response to “Wondering Parents,” who were being urged by in-laws to raise their child according to a Christian parenting YouTube channel.
Your line reads: “ Jesus might have walked on water, but he never had to try to guide a toddler through the grocery store.”
I don’t know why you think it is appropriate to make fun of other people’s religion, and I would like to know why you wrote that offensive line.
– Disgusted
Dear Disgusted: I wrote that line because it’s funny.
I’m not making fun of “other people’s” religion, because it is my religion, too.
And if you don’t think that our higher power has a sense of humor, I suggest you take a good long look around.
Humanity is oftentimes hilarious.
