Dear Amy: My husband’s family never honored any holiday or milestones such as Mother’s Day or birthdays or anything like that.
This past Mother’s Day broke my heart. My four kids, though well-meaning, put forth the absolute least amount of effort. And my husband, whom I dearly love, defended them.
When Mother’s Day arrived, nothing happened.
One of my other kids called me; hey, she was so tired but –oh, my goodness –she wished me a happy Mother’s Day! And my son who is living out of state called to wish me happy Mother’s Day. Big deal.
Am I wrong to be hurt? My husband is defending the kids.
But really? I have made 100,000 dinners for all of them in celebration. And none of them could take the time to do that for me?
I don’t want to be selfish, and I hate being so hurt, but I am very upset that my husband does not have my back.
— Sad Mom/Grandma
Dear Sad Mom: Mother’s Day is surprisingly complicated. Let me start not by defending, but perhaps explaining your husband’s reaction to your upset. He was not necessarily defending the kids’ feeble efforts, but trying to deflect you from focusing on their efforts by reminding you that they care about you and love you very much.
He did the wrong thing for you in this moment, however. In this context, “having your back” would mean that he would have been as furious and upset as you are.
I hope you will reach out to your adult children, as a group, and be completely transparent with them.
