Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for almost eight years.
I’m 44 and he is 38. We have three kids, ages 5, 3, and one.
We’ve always had an amazing sex life and a great relationship in every way.
We also have the usual stress that comes along with raising kids (paying bills, running a household, etc.).
We’ve always taken comfort in each other.
My issue is that I’m tired of the sleaze and vulgarity that has always been a part of his way of trying to get me “in the mood” when he wants to have sex.
I’ve never once turned him away when he wanted it, and I believe our sex drives are equal.
I’m not sure if it’s because I’m getting older or because of the constant neediness of my children, but when he starts with the constant sexual innuendos, getting handsy, grabbing my body and breasts — it makes me feel disgusted. I feel like a piece of meat.
What should I do?
— Pawed
Dear Pawed:
Sex is all about communication, and right now you two are on vastly different pages. You have as much a right to express your desires as he does!
It’s natural — and healthy — to switch things up as the circumstances of your life change. In a quiet moment, sit down and talk to him, before you erupt in the moment and react in a way that would genuinely embarrass him.
Help to write a new script. Think about what you WOULD like in terms of foreplay, and lead with that.
Dear Amy: My father-in-law has been greeting me every time I see him with a kiss on the mouth.
I was a bit taken aback the first time this happened, but he really is a sweet man and a wonderful father-in-law and grandfather to my kids.
In no way do I feel like he is trying to be inappropriate, but it does make me feel uncomfortable.
Since the pandemic I’ve had a good excuse to turn my head away for a kiss on the cheek or forehead, but it always feels like he tries a little too hard to land on the lips.
We are all vaccinated now, and I believe he thinks it’s OK to resume the lip-kisses.
Am I being over-sensitive here? Should I just let him kiss me, should I say something, or should I just keep turning my head?
– Kissed Out
Dear Kissed Out: I’ve known a couple of very sweet (older) men who do this. And yes, it is definitely uncomfortable for those of us who don’t like it.
I also need to share the CDC’s caution about vaccinated people hugging and kissing others outside of their “bubble.” They suggest waiting.
When the all-clear comes, make eye contact with your father-in-law and say something like, “Let me offer my cheek for a hello kiss. Let’s go cheek-to-cheek from now on.”
Dear Amy: You have referred to Mindfulness as a way of changing behaviors.
When my clients seek to stop angry or snarky comments, I advise them to “breathe out before you breathe in” before saying something angry or hurtful. The breath out, which takes half a second, creates a tiny moat of calm between intent and action, allowing judgment to catch up.
– Chris
Dear Chris: “A tiny moat of calm.” I love it.
