Dear Readers: I value hearing back from people who have had their questions published in this space. Like you, I am curious about how people dealt with their dilemmas, and I wonder whether my advice was useful.
I’m happy to publish this “update” from a reader whose original question was published in June 2012.
The original Q&A is below, and the update follows.
Dear Amy: My husband and my father are both video gamers.
A new version of their favorite game just came out, and I became aware that it is rated M-Mature by the Entertainment Software Rating Board.
The two men believe it is perfectly acceptable for our boys, 4 and 6, to watch and play this game.
I equate an M rating as equivalent to watching an R-rated movie and am insistent that the boys cannot watch or play this game.
They are arguing that the kids have played previous versions, also rated M (unbeknownst to me), therefore no harm is being done.
I am being accused of overreacting and being controlling.
The kids are also now angry at me for pulling the plug.
Am I overreacting? Should I allow “limited” playing?
– Unplugged Mom
Dear Unplugged: Did your husband and your father start their recreational lives as very young children playing violent video games intended for adults?
I’m going to guess not. I presume that when they were children these older men exercised their imaginations and bodies the old-fashioned way — out in the backyard, on the ball field, or down the block in the neighborhood.
Don’t they want the same for these kids?
I completely agree with you. Your children are way too young to play (or watch others play) these games.
It would be great if your kids had a dad and granddad who cared enough about them to get off the couch and take them outside to engage in play that is truly interactive. The number of letters I receive from parents of teens and young adults (mostly male, frankly), anguished over the hours, money and effort spent on video gaming would persuade any parent to delay this activity — or at least offer younger children something in the realm of age-appropriate.
These adults, who are basically co-opting the kiddies in order to do battle with you, are also providing an example of adolescent gamesmanship.
The kids should be left entirely out of this while the adults hash things out.
For more information on the Entertainment Software Rating Board’s rating system (including very helpful tips on how families can discuss this important issue), check ESRB.org. The site includes information on how to install parental controls on various branded gaming systems.
It sounds as if you could use some “grandparental” controls, too.
Dear Amy: Here’s my update. Twelve years on, I’m happy to report that after paring down our sons’ exposure to video games and eliminating the Mature material, they both grew into solid, well-adjusted young men.
Both still enjoy gaming with their father and grandfather, but have many friends, hobbies and sport activities.
I was worried that I would raise social deviants due to the gaming influence, but realized it was about balance.
Our oldest is soon heading to college on a full ride merit scholarship with his gaming computer in tow.
– Less Unplugged Mom
Dear Less Unplugged: Time has demonstrated that true social deviancy continues to be very rare, regardless of the presence of video games and worried parents. Well done!
Dear Amy: A simple thank you from the bottom of my heart for your simple, thoughtful, compassionate, and direct response to “Sad Mother and Grandmother,” whose daughter did not want to include her trans brother in family events.
These are tricky times for many of us trans people, and having compassion from our families and communities is very meaningful.
Last year my sister opted to not invite me to my niece’s first birthday party, out of fear I would be very uncomfortable around her more libertarian and conservative friends, which make up a large majority of her social circle.
After a very heartfelt comment from my mother informing my sister that she might consider letting me make that choice for myself, it seemed to help her.
She now has a more nuanced approach to how she might navigate her protective feelings toward me.
Over this past weekend I received an invitation to my niece’s second birthday party. I can’t wait!
– Ada
Dear Ada: Congratulations to you and your family; you’ve created many reasons to celebrate.
