Dear Amy: My wife had a moment of truth the other night.
We have been together for about 15 years. We have a healthy relationship and a nice life.
She was just out of high school when we met; she is now in her mid-30s.
Sometimes I go to bed early and she stays up drinking and talking to her friends. If she has too much to drink, she will sometimes wake me up with a “truth bomb”.
During her latest midnight revelation, she stated that she wanted a “hall pass” from our marriage.
This was coming from her evil drunk alter ego. She immediately said she’d ruined everything, made a variety of excuses, and apologized.
I really want to forget it, but if she can essentially ask me permission to stray from the marriage, what am I supposed to do with that?
I understand fantasy, and I’m not saying I’ve never looked at another woman, but it ends there. I wouldn’t dream of asking for a hall pass.
I’ve been faking being OK around my wife since it happened. I’d like your advice on what to do next.
— R, in New Jersey
Dear R: You have the right and the responsibility to attend to your own sadness over this distancing, and you must communicate about her behavior and how it affects you.
The ideal place to do this is in the office of a marriage counselor.
Communicating truthfully can be extremely painful, and it might not save your marriage, but it will liberate you from this joyless and anxious relationship limbo.
Dear Amy: I have done a pretty poor job of attending to my friendships during the pandemic. I started out strong, but gradually, as the isolation ground on and on, my contact with and responses to friends really suffered.
Now that we seem to be coming out of this lengthy period, I’m looking for ways to try to pick up the pieces.
Do you have any creative suggestions?
– Tired
Dear Tired: When in doubt, send a postcard.
In my opinion, the lowly postcard, sent through the mail with a stamp is a delightful secret weapon. I have an extensive collection of those sent to me over the years and do my best to reciprocate and send out my own.
Throw yourself on the mercy of your friends, with a brief and sincere message along these lines: “Hello, dear friend. Remember me? I used to be your lively and responsive pal. Now I’m hoping you will forgive my lack of attention and allow me back into your good graces…”
Dear Amy: I was so disappointed with your response to “Hostess With the Leastess.”
This woman said she had hosted a thousand dinner parties over the years, and now — in her 70s — she was over it, but when she said so, her husband would “throw a fit.”
Why on earth would you suggest that she hire a caterer? It is her husband who wants these parties!
– Upset
Dear Upset: I suggested that this woman should stop hosting. I wrote: “If your husband throws a fit, ride it out.”
If he wants to entertain, he — not she — should do it.
